…Can Travel That Road for You."
The other day a friend of mine asked me how I was coping with my new single lifestyle. How do you answer that if you don't feel single? And yet, you don't feel taken?
"I'm good." "I'm fine." "I feel happy." "Some days I want to run back."
I wasn't sure if I'd write about this but time has passed and I've learned how much it is shaping me and I feel compelled to share it. Obviously certain things will be kept for myself.
My current predicament is definitely not something most old people understand. I don't think it is something the average person understands. You know the one. "The fall in love, get married, make babies" kind of person. (Not that I don't adore some of those people.)
Perhaps this can help those people understand.
-----
I'm working again at the cafe where I used to work, while I figure out what's next in my life. Here, there are a lot of old men that come in and pry into staff's lives. I used to loathe it. But now, well now I see how much I've changed since last year.
One guy told me he didn't think there was a difference between a "break" and a "break-up." Interesting. Maybe some people have been using the wrong phrase to describe their situation. But I firmly stand by the underestimated power of a true break. And I'm very into extremes, so that means a lot coming from me.
I guess love is it's own extreme. An exception. I guess love is the opposite polarity to everything else.
Another guy told me I was a triple threat to make me feel better. Smart, nice, and beautiful. He shortly followed this unusually sweet statement with, "Not necessarily in that order." Thanks for the bode of confidence, sir.
-----
The Universe was yelling at me. Screaming at me. Throwing me around, hard.
Since July I have had a string of bad luck, bad luck that stopped abruptly when I decided to move home and take time to myself.
The business I worked for shut down. I severely sprained my ankle and was on crutches. I had six cavities and no money. I couldn't find a job. I had no desire to find a job. I barely saw my friends and rarely saw my family. I was surrounded in my life by people that didn't make me feel good about myself. I had received traffic tickets and had to go to court. I had to drop unexpected large amount of money on said tickets and car issues. I was completely disappointed in myself. And then a tree branch fell on my car and shattered my windshield while I was at my parents house... the day before I was supposed to start a new job in Lancaster.
The first entry I wrote for this blog, I said "watch out for falling branches" and yet even I was unaware to just how literally the Universe can take your requests.
I cracked up. I laughed my way into my house when I told my mom about my car. I finally surrendered. I wasn't going back to Lancaster.
The bad luck, lack of confidence, and unique ways both I and Brian changed over time are the reasons I find myself in the bedroom I grew up in. And it's okay. I'm good. I'm fine. I feel happy.
I'm already confident enough with my decision to tell you that is okay to move home. And it is okay to not know what you want to be when you grow up. And it's okay to date someone for years and not know yourself well enough to make promises for the rest of your life. It's your life. You are not a "we."
-----
My best friend and I were talking about relationships, both with someone else and the one we have with ourselves at this point in our lives. We had hesitations and unanswered questions. And she told me something her mom said that hit me at the core, and also made me laugh thinking of her mom dropping this line and running away.
"Listen to the whispers."
Basically, listen to those things in the back of your head, at the bottom of your gut, in your footsteps on the ground. Don't always listen to what you tell yourself but rather what your Self is telling you. Trust it and if things are meant to be, they will be.
For the past month and a half, I've been waking up and going to sleep to my family. I've been running again and going to musical shows and trying mussels and liver pate for the first time. I started a book club with old, similarly nerdy friends of mine. I've seen friends I haven't seen for years. I'm paying people back. I'm going to take a comedy skit writing class and volunteer with Habitat for Humanity again. I'm getting to know this adult version of myself all by myself. And I feel like my kid self is pretty happy with me. She always knew how I should live my life, before I even existed.
I have found a way to be independent again. Something I shouldn't have lost in the first place. I am at fault for that. But it makes my journey a hell of a lot more interesting and at least I'm doing something about it. I have a feeling my posts are gonna have a lot more to say in the coming months.
"You Must Travel it Yourself." w.w.
No comments:
Post a Comment