Out of Place

I've recently discovered I can't go back to any of my previous places of work without feeling like I'm outdated. When and why did that happen?

It happened the moment I left those jobs for good, but it took me awhile to realize because I was in denial and decided I could feel like a cool kid whenever I went back. Not the case.

Since I left my most recent job on a sour note with my boss, my ex coworkers now give me alarming looks when I walk in the door as if to say "What are you doing here!?" Wait a second... they actually said that to me. I guess I just like the thrill, guys. Jeez louise.

My job before that one was at a nursing home and it has become an abyss of people I don't know. So now I strut in to see my one or two friends and then awkwardly fade out of the building. I worked there while in high school and the first half of college so somehow I feel like the residents are more my peers than these high school kids. A few years can change everything.

And my alma mater! I firmly believe I was outdated there before I even left. Most of my best friends were gone by my junior year and I was working too much to have a life so I made few new ones. I go there now and it's like a dream full of people I never wanted to see again and places I didn't get to go to enough when I was relevant and now it seems impossible to thoroughly enjoy them.

So what to do when you feel absent from any place you've ever known even when you're standing in the middle of them? I'm sorry I don't have an answer; not only for your sake but my own as well.

Try first for a new job? I guess that's what you do. I tried that and as you may have read, I changed my indecisive mind and ran away from it. Well, today I applied at a library! This seems like a step forward rather than another step to the side.

Of course, I got a parking ticket while I filled out the application because my meter ran out before I got back to it. Do I take that as a sign that I don't belong in this new place either? Or do I take it as a sign that the police department is unforgiving? I'm going to try to do the latter.

This is a weird world when you don't have places you have to be at regularly. You get cocooned into your home and lose the stamina you had when you were shot out of the school cannon. Lighting the fuse yourself is harder than you'd think, even if you're standing on dry land because the fear you might land in water isn't looming in the distance... it's standing right next to you.

Living Dangerously

Straight off the bat I am not the "safest" person. I have jumped out of a plane, eaten wild snake (not alive, mind you), and drank water from streams, in hopes that I could be refreshed without suffering some opposite-Osmosis Jones-effect inside my body, etc. And worst of all, I don't live the safest lifestyle because I try to see the good in people despite all odds.

That is not cool. 

Last week a high school boy knocked on my door at 7:30 p.m. I was sitting on the couch right in front of the window with the front door open. Dammit, he knew I was there. 

I went to the door and, while he was very aware of my aggressive chocolate lab, he went off on a huge speech about this fundraiser/competition that could help him win a scholarship if I wrote a check for a subscription to the Philadelphia Inquirer. Welp, I'm broke but I like to help people. MISTAKE. I also had held my dog back. MISTAKE, okay okay maybe that'd be overreacting (keyword: maybe.)

So the kid told me he'd get the points if i wrote a check and then the Inquirer would need a verbal confirmation before they cashed it, therefore I could just decline and they'd mail me my uncashed check back. He seemed nice enough and since I'd get my money back I figured it would only help to contribute.

I waited for the call for days and before it ever came, the newspaper did. So my mom and my boyfriend Brian both said "The kid lied to you." Of course I wanted to believe the newspaper lied to the boy but the more I think about it the more I realize I have to agree with them. So I wonder, did he just assume because of where I lived and what I look like that I could afford this payment? Or was he just an awful person and wanted to manipulate people to win his scholarship? Either way, he said he'd want to study biology in college... so he better cure cancer. And I did help the paper a little, which needs all the monetary help it can get.

That's how I choose to look at it. Yet unfortunately he has been the last straw in my being overly nice to people lifestyle. Too many times I've been screwed over because I wanted to help and so have many people I know. So when does it end, ever? What's your breaking point? Then again, we could try to be more like God because He doesn't have a breaking point. But I guess that's why He's God. 

Edited and Unpredicted.

EDIT FOR STARBUCKS ENTRY:

Last week I had to go into Starbucks for paperwork. This was good and well because I again received another free drink and also was able to practice my Sherlock Holmes skills.

Photo Credit: Google Images

Did I know I had these skills? Yes and no. I went through a 2-year phase as a child in which I was Harriet the Spy. So I knew the skills were in me somewhere, but I wasn't sure I could bring them back to life. Watching NCIS and Bones must have reactivated them.

Back to the story... the manager and I were in the back room going through forms when I was given the list of my coworkers. A couple names were whited-out and new names were written instead. The explanation? Some people had nicknames they went by in the store and that was what I was to call them. I was cool with that, but I was also curious. So I looked at the manager's version of the list across the desk and counted down the names to the one which was missing on my own paper. BAM! The given name to my coworker was the correct gender of what I called them originally.

In that moment I felt vindicated yet distracted because I don't remember what the manager was saying to me while I played my "scan the desk" game. Twas of no matter though because I decided not to take the job :0

I would have had to open the store, which meant starting my shift at 4 am. I used to have to be at my old job at 6 am and I was not willing to do that again or at least nothing earlier than that. Also, a week went by before I began working so I lost my nerve to do a job I had been opposed to originally.
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Back to square one, but not totally!

My awesome professor gave me an older Mac computer which I am setting up to use for writing. No internet, no distractions. This is super encouraging. When I write my novel on it I can holla at him for giving me the goods to begin.

We are bound to make some mistakes. Take a turn down a road and realize we're out of gas and have to go back. I don't feel like I cut myself short in not taking this job because I went with my gut and I trust that.

Photo Credit: Google Images

However, I will miss the endless free coffee that I never got to drink.